Its been a good five days ...
Finally got the chemical cocktail right in my cerebellum - kinda like putting STP in your gas tank, ya never knew how that engine is supposed run until its hummin ....
I processed a lot of info last weekend. Hopefully I was able to let go of 'the pain' that has affected my entire life. I feel better. My body actually feels better. Body pain has been enormous for years. My body actually feels refreshed. My knees and back haven't hurt in days. They have been in pain for 30 years. I listen to Howard Stern everyday , he has always said 'back pain is in your head'. Dr Sarno wrote a book about it. I'd swear at Howard every time he says it. Well - holy shit Batman ...
I've been sharing my processing with Nikki. She is as impressed as I am with the clarity and resolve. Right down to my dreams. I've told Nikki for years, I have incredibly vivid dreams and I'm usually always working a food show in a mall or cooking at some resort. I know the kitchens , I know the resorts , and the dreams are still available in my mind for full recall. The only time I'm not in a kitchen is if I'm driving on a highway (my current job) or golfing. I figured out everyone of those scenarios is me escaping life. The kitchen was my savior as a teen. I worked 12-13 hour days for pittance - but I loved cooking and it kept me from going home. I was still trying to escape life - WHILE SLEEPING !! Crazy , but I haven't had those dreams in a week and I have been having them for years now. I have had a much deeper sleep lately.
I even went to the course this morning knowing I was gonna throw up a good number. I haven't hit a ball or practiced in 8 days, but my mind is in such a better place , I knew everything was gonna fall in place today and it did. Golf has been a mental and physical struggle for over 3 years now. I have walked off the course as many times as I finished. It feels awesome to play like I know I can. Going to The Open had always helped my groove. Watching great swings and average results brings the pros closer to the amateurs. Nonetheless the 25 miles of walking over the four days made my legs dead fit for the rest of the season.
K - the horses are calling, there is money to be made ...
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4 comments:
John, this was so good to read. Thank you for sharing the past week. You have glimpse of how good you can feel...stay with it..and know that your life is all about possibilities. I love you. Mom
John, so glad things are getting better. KNow that you have lots of people who love you unconditionally as you go thru this process.
I love you
Aunt Di
So many changes.....all good!
It's almost time to jump in the car with Jude and Ellie as we head to Charlottesville in the morning. Bill will not be far behind in his car.
For me, going with them for the drive and then to spend a few days there, will be my "transition time". I have found that giving myself that gift of transition, that I can deal with change better. They're not as difficoult.
Instead of being able to see Ellie on an almost daily basis, it will be great to talk to her on the phone....she has become quite a chatterbox. She's 3 going on 13.
When I get back home, I'll help John get settled into his new "digs" and spend some quiet time with Maureen as she takes the summer off. Lots to look forward to!
How's everyone else's summer going?
Welcome home Ginny... It was great to talk with you tonight and catch up. Glad to hear that the trip down to VA went smoothly and that Jude, Bill and Ellie are settling in. I'm sure you'll be missed especially when they settle into their daily routines but you have lots to keep you busy here in NY too. Just remember Virginia isn't that far away.
Let me know when you're ready for a girl's weekend :)
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