It comes down to Love

It really what its all about - why I experience depression , I get cut off from my 'love' support.

Please understand - I place no blame. I know Mom you loved us unquestioned. But Al ruled the world. I forgave him years ago after reading a book explaining why people 'steal' others energy for their own benefit. But forgiving someone doesn't unwind the mental trauma that still haunts me.

When Daddy died , Poppy told me I was now Man of the House , to be there for Mom and the girls. Yeah I was 5 years old and Poppy surely didn't mean to change my life but it did. After that day , I was never a child. I was John Mooney III .

I didn't have enough love to over come the years of abuse from Al. I lived in fear everyday. He only would hit me on Sundays when Mom was at the bakery, so she never knew it happened. It wasn't a lot , but enough to keep me scared for life. I am still traumatized to do anything at my family's homes- i'm sure everyone notices how i don't talk still. Ever. Even alone with Ma , it still haunts me. I feel fear , not love.

My greatest fear in life still is fear of being embarrassed. I don't fear death. I don't fear anything, except drowning and embarrassment. Either I drown in a previous life or it was caused going boating as a child with Al and being in the middle of Lake George with water up to your calves inside the boat! - time after time after time- with probably make you fear drowning forever. I mean how fucking hard was it to remember to put the plug in the drain so I wasn't tormented every time we went in the damn boat. I wish I could have said something but by that time i already knew if i said anything i would be punished. I got punished by Al for everything.

My fear of embarrassment comes from the abuse at the bakery. Al took pride in making me cry in front of people. My first job as a baker, if i wanted to get out of the pot sink was donuts. Yes , i was 8 or 9 years old. Well donuts are deep fried at 350 or 375 degrees. The only way to get sugar to stick to the donuts is roll them in the sugar immediately after they come out the grease. Well it was hot. He made me burn my fingers again and again and again - and do it even if i cried or i wouldn't do other baker stuff. Nice. Gets better.

Hard rolls. They had this special machine that needed two people to run. Well i had an allergy to rye flour and it made my face swell up , eyes get itchy and puffy , and my nose run like crazy. Needless to say , i didn't enjoy hard rolls. But if i complained, Al would make me cry in front of Dennis because i was wrong for complaining. Totally dress me down in front of everyone. Lets see , i was probably 10-12 years old at the time.

Michael Vick is in house arrest for dog fighting. I would be punished and sent to my room for a week at a time , only to come downstairs to eat dinner. This fucking guy killed dogs and had it better that i did as a kid.

Mom , trust me , i know you had your hands full with Al too or you wouldn't have come to us as small kids saying you wanted to leave Al. I remember telling you ' i didn't want to lose another Dad'. So you stayed with him. I'm very sorry if I cause you further abuse from Al. Its my own fault this trauma continued till i graduated college. The next day Al tells me if i want to stay home , he wants rent. (mind you, i worked in restaurants since age 14, so i worked and ate dinner every night at my restaurant, so i basically just slept at home) .. Rent ? i told him to get another fucking job if he needed money , I would never pay to live in my familys' house.

So you see , i never knew what love was until i found it in a few special girls in my lifetime. Mom even said, I was a whole different person when I ' was in love' . Now you know why, it was such and incredible adrenaline rush. After spending my childhood in absolute fear , this love thing starting at 17 was such a high.

Then it ends. And i crash to Earth faster than the government blew up the Twin Towers. That's the speed of gravity for those of you who haven't done any research on 911.(no building can fall at the speed of gravity with no resistance unless the building is being detonated and imploded) Anyway, the first time i had my heart broken , i was deeply depressed for 5 years. Yes Ma , that explains why i was so moody when i had Samsons. The next time it lasted 3 years until finally getting it down to one year the last time. It feels so soul crushing, losing that love, it affected my whole life.

So , lets see ... that's the brief version of why i feel so crushed. The fear of embarrasment lasts still. Thats where my social anxiety comes from. I can't talk to people if i feel i might embarass myself. Does anyone really think i want to be alone in life with out a special girl to love ? The fear of embarrasment is so overwhelming , i just don't talk. When i fianlly get over the depression of heart break and would enjoy spending time with someone - this fear takes over.

I thank everyone for trying to help - Mom, Jude, Bill, Aunt Di, and Aunt Deb. My comprehencion of family and love - is stay quiet, stay out of sight, and you won't be abused. After a lifetime of fear, I need another start because i really don't how love should feel or how to accept it.

Meantime - you wonder why i felt smarter than the person i talked to - because i am. He wouldn't get away from questions about Nikki. I knew all she did was ' stop the love' that i had coming in to my brain. She certainly wasn't the reason i experience depression. I realized i never learned how to process love.

Now i explained where my quietness came from - i hold no blame , everyone did the best they could to survive Al's torment. I know you had you hands full Mom. I wish i could have told you as a kid how i felt.